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Boundaries (平装)
by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend
| Category:
Relationship |
| Market price: ¥ 168.00
MSL price:
¥ 158.00
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MSL rating:
 Good for Gifts |
| MSL Pointer Review:
Excellent relationship self-help guide for men & women of all ages. Highly recommended for those who have difficulty saying "no" to others. |
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AllReviews |
1 2   | Total 2 pages 11 items |
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Vera Lee (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
This book is not about protecting yourself from suffering for the gospel. It is not about being selfish and refusing to give. It does not attempt to reverse Jesus' statement that he who tries to find his life will lose it, but he who loses it for His sake will find it.
Instead, Cloud and Townsend speak to an area of self-development that has been largely neglected in Evangelical Christianity, that of appropriate, godly boundaries in relationships. If you have healthy boundaries, then you can more easily determine when a situation warrants the breaking of one or more boundaries in order to minister to someone else. If your boundaries are too rigid and don't allow for appropriate love and bonding, then you can't give freely. On the other hand, if your boundaries are too loose and you don't know when to say no, you are likely to be worn out and resentful, and so also unable to love freely from your heart.
The authors make much of the verse in 2 Corinthians 9:7, which says that each man should give what he has decided to give in his own heart, and no one should give under compulsion. Although the context here is giving money or material goods, the principle is clearly applicable to other kinds of giving. Each person must decide in his own heart, as a part of stewardship, what he can give in a particlar situation in light of his own circumstances. Prayer and guidance from the Holy Spirit should be part of such decisions, but the verse clearly says that it is each person's responsibilty to make this decision.
This book offers a good foundation for learning to exercise this kind of stewardship over the life God has given each one us. Learning to implement changes along these lines would be a lot easier in a fellowship of healthy, committed believers who are also attempting to live out these ideas, but even if that is not your situation, this book will help you get started.
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A reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
Saying we should not set boundaries is saying that we should not be human. Traffic lights are boundaries. Laws are boundaries. Work hours are boundaries. Marriages are boundaries. Bounced checks are boundaries. Prisons are boundaries. Locked car doors are boundaries. Those reviewers who argue against setting boundaries are themselves, most assuredly, setting and respecting boundaries every day of their life. So let's be honest here. Let's not live in ivory tower concepts, twice removed from reality.
None of us is Jesus. If we were Jesus, we would not need Him to begin with. Codependency is Not Christian love. Being a doormat is not spiritual. One cannot expand boundaries if one does not know how to set boundaries to begin with. This book is about learning to do just that. Boundary-setting is about being authentic to your own heart: "I am a child of God, and my feelings do matter here. I am being led to do this, even though it may contradict what you desire me to do." Do people sometimes bristle at the truth? You bet! It's human to want our desires fed, even if it is at another person's expense. It's not pretty; it's human. That's why we need boundaries.
In my experience, failing to set boundaries was a form of people-pleasing, and people-pleasing was a form of unconscious deception and false idol worship. I tried for many years to be a "good girl." That got great reviews. Never mind that I usually did things for other people without checking to see if it was what God was instructing me to do. Instead, my impulse came from selfish reasons, "I'll do this for you. Don't I look good? Now do you approve of me? If you do, then maybe I can approve of myself." What rubbish! My behavior was not motivated by Christ. My behavior was motivated by refined selfishness.
You see, I wasn't interested in you. I was interested in what you could give me: your approval. I was an approval junkie, and I was no more morally superior than a drug addict, no matter how much praise my actions brought me. I was worshipping a false idol - the approval of others over God's direction - and that false god failed me time & time again. Sorry folks. That's not Christian love. No wonder I hurt all the time! God never intended for me to be dishonest and unhappy. God never intended for me to get my worth from man.
Now that I've begun to listen to my heart, I am learning to tell the truth to myself and to others. I am learning to accept my limitations - be humble - and learning to be balanced. The truth does indeed set you free. This process has brought me what I never got from others' approval. It brought me the fruits of the spirit: joy and peace. It has also made my relationships with others more genuine and peaceful. People do approve of me, now, but it's the * real * me. That's how I know that this book teaches principles of truth.
Incidentally, it's wrong to hate people as you are setting boundaries. That's not what this book is proposing. Your intention in setting boundaries does matter here. Setting boundaries in and of itself is not the problem.
In addition to this book, I highly recommend Joyce Meyer's CD set, Approval Addiction, as well as the CD set, The Disease to Please. |
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Shane Brewer (MSL quote), Canada
<2007-01-10 00:00>
Boundaries is a great book about learning to say to "no" to people. I am definitely a person who has trouble saying "no" at times so this book was a welcome read for me.
The book starts by explaining the need for boundaries. Essentially the jist of the book is you are responsible for yourself and no one else. Therefore you must take control of your life and your decisions.
This amounts to defining what your responsibility is and what is acceptable for you. Then you need to communicate to other people what is and isn't acceptable and then hold to your ground. Quite often this surprises others who are not used to this. People even begin telling you that you are being unreasonable or too harsh.
This book also tends to focus more on "tough love". The book suggests that if someone is doing something that is unacceptable, you should set out the consequences of the decision, place the decision in the hands of the person, and then stick to your guns. For example, if your spouse is always running late, tell them that if they are late, you are going to leave without them. Then stick to you guns. The authors belive that after a few times of being left behind, they will change their behavior.
I didn't find too many negatives about this book. Some of the reading is a little dry. I would have liked to see a little more organization to the book and a few more examples.
Regardless, Boundaries is a great book to read. If you are looking to take back control of your life and learn when to say "no" to others, this is the book for you. 5 out of 5 stars. |
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Mike Taylor (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
In my humble opinion, Cloud and Townsend have written a helpful book for people who struggle with setting limits on others who try to control them. Certainly many Christians struggle with the uneasy feeling of somehow displeasing God when we set limits on what we will endure with others.
The book covers boundaries in several areas, namely: family, friends, spouse, children, work, self, and God.
Among the important points covered by the authors include:
1. Definition of boundaries.
2. 10 laws of boundaries we can use to live differently.
3. Common myths of setting boundaries.
4. Excellent notes on 9 work-related problems and using boundaries to address them.
5. Using willpower alone to solve boundary problems is useless - we need God's grace and power working through us.
6. God has His limits and will eventually let go of those who continually reject Him.
7. Types of internal and external resistence to boundaries.
8. 11 steps to consider in our growth and development of boundaries.
Some reviewers criticize the book as pop psychology and I must take issue with them. Yes, I do not agree with all of the authors' points, but many are well taken. For example, the authors clearly state that maintaining your boundaries helps other people (by not enabling them and encouraging their irresponsible behavior) and helps us to love others more (by being true to others instead of consistently being compliant or avoiding conflict with others).
When I read my Bible, I note that even Jesus had boundaries with others - notice that at times He kept a distance from the Pharisees, other religious leaders, and even His own family. Now if the Savior established boundaries, then why shouldn't we?
All in all, I honestly believe this to be a pretty solid book based on many biblical principles. Many verses are quoted in the proper context.
Read, enjoy, and be encouraged to being bold in the Lord and caring less about what others think about you! |
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A reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
This book came highly recommended by a well known counselor where I live. After expressing to her my past relationship problems, she thanked me for sharing my thoughts and concerns with her and asked that I read this book in order to better understand what I was allowing people, especially men, in my life to do to me. I had just come out of a very mentally abusive relationship with a man who lied to me over and over, and also a very controlling relationship as well. In the meantime, I had met a very sensitive, warm and caring man who knew my past and did not want to put me through what I had been through with previous relationships and thank goodness, by reading this book it has taught me so much about myself and how not to allow others to control and manipulate me in the future. |
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Raymond Cannata (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
The subtitle says it all: this book is all about "taking control of your life." That such a phrase can be heralded as a genuine Christian goal should terrify us all. Where is the Church headed? Is the Gospel really about "taking control of your life"?
This book gives good, solid advice about how to take control of your life; how to protect yourself from folks who will seek to hurt or discourage you. But is that what Jesus wants for us? Is that 'taking up your cross daily'?
When you read this, ask yourself: What do I mean by 'boundaries?' Is it a rule, a fence, to keep people from controlling you/violating your personhood? Do you think "I should get to shape my own identity, my choices, my will, my life, my emotion."? And is that a Biblical approach? Is the Bible really a self-help book?
What is right about that: The Bible says there are places where you stop and start ('boundaries in that sense). It is wrong to allow other people to live as if they exist for themselves and not for God. You should call peopel to accounatbility when they do that, and try to involve you in that.
BUT when you do that not to be protected, but to SERVE.
Ask 'how does Scripture orient me differently or take me further?' The Bible says our focus must be on the heart - not self-help, not controlling others. Its all about changing my own motives.
'Boundaries,' the way Cloud and Townsend employ the term, is a negative and defensive concept. It is about self-protection. Tell that to the martyrs in Makulu, Indonesia, or Nigerian. They know the Gospel is much more wonderful, and much less self-absorbed, than that!
Jesus' boundaries are love, not defensiveness. Yes, loving you may well mean saying no to you, prohibiting you, but the boundary is menat to be a means to love.
The Gospel is NEVER about living defensively and creating walls, defending yourself to protect yourself. You can say 'yes' out of love, or you may say 'no' out of love. But it is all about loving others, serving.
I can sympathize with the concerns of this book. Drs. Cloud and Townsend have lovingly sought to help some very hurting people. But the most helpful thing for us when we are under attack is not to assert our 'rights' and seek protection - that never works anyway - but to live the Gospel. Our Savior asserted no rights, but only served. This didn't make him a 'doormat' - he rebuked, declared judgment, etc. BUT he did it not to protect himself, but to serve others.
(A negative review. MSL remarks.) |
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Kirk Lashley (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
Recently I'd reached a stage of being overwhelmed by life; I'd been recommended several books, and I read Boundaries as the first one, the others being Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald and The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. After reading Boundaries, I have come to terms with my own inability to set personal boundaries and I took ownership of my own choices which I have made.
On reading several negative comments about the book, I notice the persons complain of things that are actually not promoted in the book - there is a balance that is actually promoted, that boundaries are not an excuse to say "No", as irresponsibility is warned as another extreme of boundaries and goes against biblical principles. Some persons complained that people didn't seem to like them after they established boundaries, "Bonding first, boundaries second". Like any concept it could be taken to an extreme. I should warn that without a strong biblical background or the support of a group these concepts could easily be misapplied and used as weapons (boundaries are not weapons) instead of defenses to protect who we are.
The risk of misapplication of the concepts does not negate the fatc that this book is biblically sound, and promotes healthy relational concepts - if applied correctly.
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Robert Wynkoop (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
Although Cloud did wrote on boundaries in his previous work (Changes that Heal) this book picks up the theme and develops it more fully. It gives a strong biblical basis for those Christians who find it difficult and "unchristian" to say "no" to people. Cloud and Townsend are among the rate handful of Christian authors who pick up the Hebrew idea of covenant that implies that there is a greater power than power expressed- it is power restrained. Too many Christian buy into the Greek idea that power must be expressed to be effective. Like Anderson, the authors see that the "sins of the family" can be passed down from generation to generation and need to be confronted. Their illustration of forgiveness as being canceled debt is powerful and convicting. It is an old idea, but it is addressed in a refreshing and eye-opening way. Repeatedly the authors stress that we cannot change other people's behavior, nor can we assume responsibility for their feelings. The authors see great value in group therapy, a concept that Jay Adams condemns as being unbiblical. I could not help but noticing that they took the very popular Gary and Ann Marie Ezzo head on in condemning Ezzo's advice to put infants on strict feeding and sleeping schedules.
The book was somewhat repetitive in nature. I believe the authors designed it this way because they realized that few of their readers will read it cover to cover. People tend to zero in on the topic that interest them most; thus the authors see the need to repeat ideas.
This book should be required reading for every pastor since we often feel overwhelmed because we cannot say "no" to people. It will also help you distinguish between being responsible for and responsible to people. I highly recommend this book, it is must reading for every pastor. I only wish I had read this book twenty years ago at the beginning of my ministry.
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A reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
Boundaries is a spiritually inspired work of divinity. Not on par with the bible, yet should be used as a companion for dealing with everyday life. Perspectives that never occurred to me why problems happen to me were focused upon for the first time. This material should be used in a chuch bible study or local missionary effort. The view of Jesus through the eyes of John Townsend and Henry Cloud, shows a truely loving parent having eternal wisdom to offer us. This view shows acceptance, tolerance, encouragement, strenthening advice, and mostly about love. A must for anyone travelling down the spiritual road having a deep desire to further relationships with God, and other people. |
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David Bess (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
Most Christians struggle with the demands and frustrations resulting from their everyday relationships. Cloud and Townsend have produced a true classic in this volume, presenting Biblical concepts that address those demands and frustrations. I have just finished reading this book again for the second time, and chances are good I will read it again in the future.
The authors introduce their work with a short section entitled, "A Day in a Boundaryless Life." Most persons can easily identify with the young woman depicted in this typical life situation. The authors then describe the concept of boundaries in detail, and how boundaries are developed in our lives. They present ten laws of boundaries, and then proceed to describe common myths regarding them. These laws and myths, as well as the rest of the book's content, are very readable and easy to understand.
In the second portion of their work, the authors touch upon the areas of life in which boundaries can be helpful. I cannot think of any area that is unaffected. These areas are: family, friends, spouse, children, work, self, and God.
The authors conclude by describing typical resistance to boundaries. They also summarize the benefits to be gained as persons persevere through that resistance to a more ordered life. Before ending their book, Cloud and Townsend revisit the young woman depicted in the opening section. This time the title is, "A Day in a Life with Boundaries." She now has learned to incorporate boundaries into her own life, and the change for the better is amazing.
This book is a must-read for every Christian believer who wants a wealth of Biblical insight into Christ-honoring relationships. I have recommended it to others in the past, and after this second reading am even more enthusiastic about doing so. Buy it, read it, and allow God to transform your relationships for the better!
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1 2 | Total 2 pages 11 items |
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