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On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (Paperback)
by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross , David Kessler
| Category:
Grief, Life, Death, Life experience |
| Market price: ¥ 168.00
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¥ 128.00
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| MSL Pointer Review:
A most accessible, comforting and deeply empathic book for all those who grieve the loss of a loved one. |
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Author: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross , David Kessler
Publisher: Scribner
Pub. in: June, 2007
ISBN: 0743266293
Pages: 256
Measurements: 8.2 x 5.4 x 0.9 inches
Origin of product: USA
Order code: BA01469
Other information: 978-0743266291
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- MSL Picks -
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler is a must-read book, a compelling page-turner for me, that provides profound insights into the necessity that we must properly grieve the passing of our loved ones.
As pointed out by the authors, the grieving process is not instinctual for us; it requires learning. It is particularly important that as adults that we don't forget to teach our young about grieving, for if a child doesn't grieve in an appropriate way for him or her, that repressed grief may surface years later, a phenomenon that sometimes happens to adults as well.
The book is very humane and compassionate and "teaches with short, clear and concrete stories" that analyze some of the many possible surrounding circumstances that others have faced in losing loved ones. Potentially, we and the people we know could face such circumstances as well. In addition, with these stories, the authors provide relevant and insightful advice and the reasons for that advice.
The authors state that, "if you do not take the time to grieve, you cannot find a future in which loss is remembered and honored without pain." They remind us that we will never forget our loss of a loved one and that we will never be the same; they also remind us that we can learn, when our own individual timetable suggests, that it may be possible to find "renewed meaning" in our lives. This renewed meaning will continue to include, "loving memories and honor for those we have lost."
I highly recommend that you read this book and that you give it to others, as personal circumstances "dictate." Kubler Ross is a legend in the field of grief counseling (she passed away within the last year) and Kessler brings remarkable humanitarian credentials of his own to the writing task. Their combined efforts results in producing a highly readable, compassionate, insightful, and useful book, nothing short of superb.
(From quoting Bob Hoff, USA)
Target readers:
General readers.
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- Better with -
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On Death and Dying
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Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D., is a medical doctor, psychiatrist, and internationally known thanatologist. Her books include Questions and Answers on Death and Dying, Living with Death and Dying, AIDS, On Children and Death, and The Wheel of Life. She lives in California.
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Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's On Death and Dying changed the way we talk about the end of life. Before her own death in 2004, she and David Kessler completed On Grief and Grieving, which looks at the way we experience the process of grief.
Just as On Death and Dying taught us the five stages of death - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - On Grief and Grieving applies these stages to the grieving process and weaves together theory, inspiration, and practical advice, including sections on sadness, hauntings, dreams, isolation, and healing.
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Chapter One: The Five Stages of Grief
Denial, Anger, Barganing, Depression, and Acceptance
The stages have evolved since their introduction, and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.
The five stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.
Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief's terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.
Denial
Denial in grief has been misinterpreted over the years. When the stage of denial was first introduced in On Death and Dying, it focused on the person who was dying. In this book, On Grief and Grieving, the person who may be in denial is grieving the loss of a loved one. In a person who is dying, denial may look like disbelief. They may be going about life and actually denying that a terminal illness exists. For a person who has lost a loved one, however, the denial is more symbolic than literal.
This does not mean that you literally don't know your loved one has died. It means you come home and you can't believe that your wife isn't going to walk in the door at any minute or that your husband isn't just away on a business trip. You simply can't fathom that he will never walk through that door again.
When we are in denial, we may respond at first by being paralyzed with shock or blanketed with numbness. The denial is still not denial of the actual death, even though someone may be saying, "I can't believe he's dead." The person is actually saying that, at first, because it is too much for his or her psyche.
Alicia was accustomed to Matthew's being away on business trips. His work required him to travel the world, and Alicia had accompanied him on several trips that took him to places she wanted to see. She also witnessed the jet lag, hectic schedule, time changes, and delayed flights.
On his current trip, Alicia was surprised that he'd been scheduled to arrive in Delhi and he hadn't phoned her yet. After two days, he called and apologized, explaining that there were phone problems in his hotel. She understood because this often happened when he traveled to third world countries.
The next call came two days later in the middle of the night from one of her husband's coworkers. He gently told her that he had very bad news. Matthew had been killed in a car accident. He said there were very few details as yet but the home office would be contacting her.
Alicia couldn't believe her ears. After she hung up the phone she immediately thought, "Did I just dream that? This must be a mistake." She called her sister, who arrived just as the sun was rising. They waited until eight o'clock and called the home office only to find out they didn't know of any problem, much less a tragedy like this. But they said they would look into it immediately. For the rest of the morning Alicia couldn't stop wondering if she had dreamed the phone call. Was there a mistake? The next call came at noon, confirming that indeed, last night's bad news was true.
For the next few days Alicia made funeral arrangements, all the while saying, "This can't be true. I know when the body arrives it won't be him." The night before the funeral, Alicia finally saw her dear husband's body. She looked at his face to make sure it wasn't just someone who looked like Matthew, but when she saw his wedding ring, there was no more question.
During the weeks after the funeral, she would call friends and family and say, "I keep thinking he's still on the trip and he just can't get to a phone. I know he's out there somewhere trying to get home." She would usually end up crying over the reality that he was not coming home.
Alicia's story clearly illustrates how denial works. At times she thought it might be a dream, but she did the appropriate thing by calling her sister about the loss. The reality sank in even more when she saw the body and the ring on his finger. It would be easy to say that she was in denial because she kept thinking Matthew's death was not real. It would be equally easy to say she was not in denial because she kept going through with funeral arrangements. But both are true. She couldn't believe it and her mind could not fully process it. Denial helped her to unconsciously manage her feelings. Even after the funeral, she often thought he still might just be on a trip. This was still denial working very subtly, to give her moments away from her pain.
This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
These feelings are important; they are the psyche's protective mechanisms. Letting in all the feelings associated with loss at once would be overwhelming emotionally. We can't believe what has happened because we actually can't believe what has happened. To fully believe at this stage would be too much.
The denial often comes in the form of our questioning our reality: Is it true? Did it really happen? Are they really gone? Think about the idea that you can't get over someone. It is more that you learn to live with the loss and not forget the person.
People often find themselves telling the story of their loss over and over, which is one way that our mind deals with trauma. It is a way of denying the pain while trying to accept the reality of the loss. As denial fades, it is slowly replaced with the reality of the loss.
You begin to question the how and why. How did this happen? you may ask, as you review the circumstances. You are no longer in an external story-telling mode; now you turn inward as you begin the search for understanding. You explore the circumstances surrounding the loss. Did it have to happen? Did it have to happen that way? Could anything have prevented it?
The finality of the loss begins to gradually sink in. She is not coming back. This time he didn't make it. With each question asked, you begin to believe they are really gone.
As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
Anger
This stage presents itself in many ways: anger at your loved one that he didn't take better care of himself or anger that you didn't take better care of him. Anger does not have to be logical or valid. You may be angry that you didn't see this coming and when you did, nothing could stop it. You may be angry with the doctors for not being able to save someone so dear to you. You may be angry that bad things could happen to someone who meant so much to you.
You may also be angry that you're left behind and you should have had more time together. You know intellectually that your loved one didn't want to die. But emotionally, all you know is that he did die. It was not supposed to happen, or at least not now.
It is important to remember that the anger surfaces once you are feeling safe enough to know you will probably survive whatever comes. At first, the fact that you lived through the loss is surprising to you. Then more feelings hit, and anger is usually at the front of the line as feelings of sadness, panic, hurt, and loneliness also appear, stronger than ever. Loved ones and friends are often taken aback by these feelings, because they surface just as you were beginning to function at a basic level again.
You may also be angry with yourself that you couldn't stop it from happening. Not that you had the power, but you had the will. The will to save a life is not the power to stop a death. But most of all, you may be angry at this unexpected, undeserved, and unwanted situation in which you find yourself. Someone once shared, "I'm angry that I have to keep living in a world where I can't find her, call her, or see her. I can't find the person I loved or needed anywhere. She is not really where her body is now. The heavenly bodies elude me. The all-ness or one-ness of her spiritual existence escapes me. I am lost and full of rage."
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. We often choose it to avoid the feelings underneath until we are ready to face them. It may feel all-consuming, but as long as it doesn't consume you for a long period of time, it is part of your emotional management. It is a useful emotion until you've moved past the first waves of it. Then you will be ready to go deeper. In the process of grief and grieving you will have many subsequent visits with anger in its many forms.
When Jan's husband died, all her married friends overwhelmed her with advice on how to get through it. But the women who shared loving tips of guidance had not lost their husbands. Jan would listen politely but think, "What do you know? Your husband is still alive."
Jan loved her friends and knew they meant well. She ... |
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Marianne Williamson, USA
<2008-08-08 00:00>
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross left us one last gift, and it's a masterpiece. She and grief expert David Kessler have written a modern classic, the kind of book that all of us will want to keep on our bookshelves because we know it speaks to our deepest hearts.
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Caroline Myss , USA
<2008-08-08 00:00>
On Grief and Grieving is a heartfelt tribute to all who have lost a loved one from a woman who changed our lives by changing our relationship to death and dying. What a wonderful book Elisabeth and David have written. |
From a guest reviewer, USA
<2008-08-08 00:00>
This is a very gentle and reassuring book for anyone trying to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. I lost my father to cancer last year, and during his illness I read "On Death and Dying" by the same author. That book helped me greatly to understand what I could do for my father at a time when I felt helpless. "On Grief and Grieving" is clear and easy to read, and gives very practical advice in a gentle way to help a grieving soul find solace, by pointing out that each person grieves in a different way and at a different rate, and that no one else can tell you when it is time to get over the loss...Indeed, the authors clearly state (and I agree) that there is no getting over the loss so to speak..only a learning to live with it. In a world where many are uncomfortable with sadness and tears, this book tells us it is okay to feel and express both. Anyone who has lost a loved one, or is trying to support someone who has experienced such a loss should definitely read this book. |
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