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Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships (平装)
by David Schnarch, Ph.D.
| Category:
Marriage, Relationships, Self-help |
| Market price: ¥ 178.00
MSL price:
¥ 168.00
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| Stock:
In Stock |
MSL rating:
 Good for Gifts |
| MSL Pointer Review:
Packed with ground-breaking concepts and information that will lead couples to new ways of thinking, this book will benefit couples in achieving committed relationships and sex. |
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AllReviews |
1 2   | Total 2 pages 11 items |
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Janet Carlson Freed (Town & Country) (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
At the top of my very short list of must-reads…a book to be underlined, dog-eared and carried around for weeks. |
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An American reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
My wife and I have read all David's books and this one is the most effective presentation of his ideas and material. David is part of a group of cutting edge scholars/therapists that has unlocked the mysteries of human dysfunction and behavior. We have read this book no less than 6 times each and have reread passages dozens of times. We coupled this with counseling from one of his clinical partners and have revolutionized all of our relationships, both intimate and casual. The ideologies presented in this book changed our lives. Life can be a lot better even if you think it's great now. This isn't a read for the fun of it, it's about you and who you can become. |
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An American reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
A friend of mine gave me this book as a gift. I couldn't put it down! THIS IS NOT A SEX MANUAL, IT IS A RELATIONSHIP BOOK. This is an EXCELLENT guide to how to combat issues in your relationship and incidentally, fixing issues your relationship will lead to better sex. Just like quantum theory in which each part represents the whole, what's happening in your bedroom is a reflection of bigger issues that are affecting your whole relationship. This book approaches such issues with a refreshing NEGATION of what society and therapists generally tell you to do. The paradoxes of life are aptly and succinctly stated and this book gives you footing to deal with the paradoxes in a healthy way. I can't recommend this book more highly. This is the best RELATIONSHIP book I've ever read. I even told my 60 year old mother to buy it. |
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An American reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
Clearly, Schnarch's emphasis is on differentiating one's self from their marital partner creating an actual desire [a wanting] rather than a need. By differentiating, a person suddenly becomes rather than depends by self-validating through what Schnarch's calls fusion. It was wonderful to read that most people marry because of childhood insecurities [at least someone admits to this]. The sexual content of this book didn't mean as much to me as the last few chapters. Although, I truly believe the sexual content of this book helps couples to connect. I was very happy that my partner's therapist suggested we both read this book after a year and a half of therapy due to a well kept secret of childhood sexual abuse. We have found this book to be one of the best. |
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An American reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
This guy has done a lot of personal clinical research and come up with some ideas that really make sense. It is definitely new material that I have never heard explained before (and oftentimes diametrically opposed to the typical "counseling" that's going on out there). Namely, one of his principle premises is that you can't separate marriage counseling from sexual therapy. Well, that should have been pretty obvious about 2 centuries ago, but it goes to show you why we should all be a little skeptical of the typical "counselor" out there. As Schnarch points out, "Why would you want to go to a marriage counselor who has no better marriage than your own?" Good question. I was looking for something new to help us find an extraordinary marriage and I, personally, think this book has some excellent explanations and ideas to do just that. Some of the couples' problems really do look pretty hopeless in the beginning, and I can see that it must be very rewarding for Schnarch to see where he can help couples go within a few months' time. It also gives quite a bit of hope to all of us that if these guys can do it, so can we. But it takes some courage and some motivation and some understanding to simply read this book and then go try this stuff on your own; however, I have been stepping out of my comfort zone and feel a lot better about myself and my marriage as a result. This book is even helpful if your partner refuses to get involved; although certainly not as helpful to actually change things, at least you have some understanding of why things are the way they are, and maybe how you can help your spouse move forward as well. Warning: the 1st 100 pages or so were a bit slow as the author obviously felt it was absolutely necessary that the reader understand his initial premise concerning what he calls "differentiation." By the time I finished all those pages, however, I knew I really understood it so I guess his repetition of the concept served its purpose. Stick with it--the later chapters are really helpful, at least for us. 2nd warning: there is a lot of sexually explicit sex in this which was rather shocking to me at first (but might serve to interest a disinterested spouse for a few pages!!), but by the time I got to the end, I understood that this is the way he conducts his sessions and so this is the way he shares it with the reader. I concluded this is probably the way most people talk about sex, but I never talk about sex with people other than my spouse and we use far less slang than Schnarch shares in his interviews. All in all, the content is any discomfort the slang might cause. |
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K. Metelnick (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
This book was recommended to us by another couple who have what looks like the most amazing, accepting, and supportive marriage we've seen - and they are both dramatic, high maintenance people you might think difficult in daily life.
We found Schnarch's positive approach refreshing and useful - he teaches you to view marriage as a growing process, rather than a fairy-tale. Then, you will expect conflicts with your spouse and know how to harness them to actually bring you together - instead of being freaked out and feeling like your relationship is in trouble and failing. Your spouse becomes the partner who helps you grow into your best potential - but you each do the growing on your own, so your partner isn't an emotional crutch. It may sound wrong to say you have to stand apart on your own to get closer, but Schnarch's book really shows you why this is so - and we are definitely feeling a renewed intimacy applying his techniques and attitude.
The book also helped us understand how any relationship can be very committed and loving, and still have a lot of conflict - and not be on the rocks. Being angry and even hating my spouse at times of stress doesn't mean our relationship sucks - now I see that it's a sign that we're at the edges of our personal growth. And THAT'S exactly the time where we can break through to even MORE love, MORE intimacy as a couple, while becoming more adult individually - it's an incredible process.
If you're happy with your relationship - this will help you deepen it. If you are struggling with your relationship, this can totally transform it - and the best thing is, it only takes one person to shake up the dynamic. You can work just on yourself, and the relationship HAS to change if you change.
The main drawback to the book is that it is really dense - I am an avid reader, and it took me some time get through it. My spouse is NOT a reader - and he gave up after a few pages. If you don't mind very cerebral academic writing, there's a lot to get out of this. If you are NOT a reader, I suggest you buy the CD set of his seminars first, Secrets of a Passionate Marriage. That has a condensed version of the ideas, and is easier to follow, with plenty of wisdom to bring to your relationship. When you're ready for more, follow it up with the book. |
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An American reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
Couples with relationship problems that they cannot fix and do not even really understand may well find this book to be a lifeline, but they should not assume that following the Passionate Marriage approach will make them happy in the end. Dr. Schnarch's thesis (highly simplified) is that married couples often wind up in "emotional gridlock" because, as important differences between them (such as disparate sexual desire) arise in the marriage, they cling to the illusion that their partner can be their everything. In a doomed effort to perpetuate this illusion, they "manage" conflict by doing things that violate their own integrity (e.g. having sex they don't want to have) or by demanding that their partner do things that violate their partner's integrity (e.g. have oral sex when the partner doesn't really like it); the result, ironically, is that they wind up feeling farther apart rather than closer together.
Dr. Schnarch's solution to "emotional gridlock" is to encourage you to maintain your integrity - i.e. to "hold on to" yourself - without pushing your spouse away: to be who you really are, and to let your spouse see who you really are, while at the same time letting your spouse know that you love and value your spouse and the relationship. The result is that you feel authentic in the relationship and your partner is given a chance to know and love the "real" you (and vice-versa). Dr. Schnarch calls this process of "holding on to" yourself while simultaneously "holding on to" your spouse "differentiation." It can be an extremely painful process because it forces you to confront that fact that no one -- including your spouse - can every fully "complete you," but it is an extremely hopeful process because it opens the door for you and your spouse to really see and love each other other for who you really are.
My one quarrel with Passionate Marriage is that while Dr. Schnarch freely admits that "differentiation" can be an extremely painful process, he implies, misleadingly (and perhaps unintentionally), that it always has a happy ending. The vignettes in his book typically involve emotionally gridlocked couples who are having very little sex and/or crummy sex (among other problems), who go through the painful process of differentiation, and who then start having frequent and/or passionate sex. Although I am sure that is the way it works for many couples, Dr. Schnarch fails to warn the reader loudly enough that frequent and/or great sex is not an inevitable result of differentiation.
For example, a fully differentiated woman married to a man who craves frequent and/or experimental sex might well come to realize (and accept) that, even after changing as much as she can to satisfy her husband, she still desires sex only once every two months and/or simply does not enjoy certain types of sex. Her husband then has only two choices: accept the painful reality that he will never have the sex he craves, or get that sex from someone else (with all the negative consequences for the marriage which may result). True, the wife may now be compassionate and understanding about her husband's sexual disappointment and frustration (rather than feeling pressured, resentful, inadequate, etc.), and the husband may cease blaming his wife and being angry at her for low sexual desire/arousal problems that she simply cannot help, but the fact remains that their sex life will never be anything like what the husband wishes it would be.
I do not at all mean this as a criticism of differentiation, which is a natural part of human development that cannot be avoided in healthy long-term committed relationships. I also don't mean it as a criticism of Dr. Schnarch, since I am sure that all authors of self-help books highlight positive outcomes in order to sell their approach (not to mention copies of their book) to skeptics. I do, however, mean it as a serious criticism of Passionate Marriage, because I think the book undermines its own goals by making promises it can't keep. Over and over again, the book promises that the pain of differentiation is worth it because you "may" or "can" wind up having great - even "electric" - sex; although this is certainly true, it is also true that many couples who go through the process will not wind up having great, let alone electric, sex.
Freud once said that the goal of psychoanalysis is not to make the client happy, but rather to replace the client's neurotic misery with ordinary unhappiness. For many couples, that will be the result of differentiation: the hurt, distance, and anger that have plagued their marriage and/or sex life will be replaced by the ordinary unhappiness of living with a real spouse with real limitations. Those limitations may include sexual limitations. Differentiation might well enable you and your spouse to have the best marriage, and the best sex, the two of you are capable of having together (which is no small thing!), but the sex you wind up having may be nowhere near as frequent, passionate, or "electric" as the sex shared by the successful couples described in Passionate Marriage. |
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Jon Hensley (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating. It was obvious that the things were going in a bad direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book!
It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand, and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use to improve several aspects of our marriage now. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.
Dr. Schnarch's book also contains a chapter about better sex. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as impotence, which have very negative effect on a marriage. That's why in addition I highly recommend the bestseller Scientifically Guaranteed Multiple Orgasms & Ultimate Sex by scientist Ritz, which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and started enjoying great pleasure in bed. |
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Ken (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
Diminished sexual desire is the clear problem of focus for most couples I now see in my private practice as a psychologist and sex therapist. This book is one that is written for mature individuals who can harness the energy of a committed relationship and find a meaningful and powerful substitute for the spiritually empty variations of excitement so often marketed in the self-help section of the bookstore. |
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Alan Stafford (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
It's common for sex to become routine after a few years of marriage. As your life gets busier with more responsibilities, it is easy to let passion slip away. Once the honeymoon is over, marriages too often drop down the priority list. Passion is replaced by the demands of parenthood, career, housework, errands, or just trying to get just a few extra minutes of sleep on the weekend.
In Passionate Marriage, psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch, PhD goes beyond the standard short-term solutions. His recommendations don't focus on island getaways for two, or romantic candlelit evenings spent in skimpy lingerie. Certainly, he recognizes the value of such activities. But as he points out, these are temporary solutions. They don't deal with the underlying causes of couples' problems.
In the book, Schnarch shows that putting passion back into your marriage requires "differentiation". This means standing up for what you believe in. When you differentiate you acknowledge yourself as your own person and deemphasize your role as someone else's spouse. As an individual in a relationship, you can be free to express and satisfy your own needs instead of just "being there" for your partner. This is very different from the conventional recommendations of marriage counselors and sex therapists.
The tone of the book is quite challenging and can be difficult to follow at times. Often, there are many technical phrases and jargon that make the book less easy to read than it could be. However, this complexity does not diminish the message of the book.
Schnarch states that intimacy and authentic sex don't actually start with communication between the partners. Instead, it begins with self-confrontation. This means that a great deal of courage is required for self-reflection and self-recognition. But the real challenge, according to the author is taking responsibility for what we find within ourselves.
The book manages to avoid reading like a textbook. Its main message comes through directly and cleanly. As a result, Schnarch's book preserves its readability and gives readers the guidance they're looking for. |
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