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Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships (Paperback)
by David Schnarch, Ph.D.
| Category:
Marriage, Relationships, Self-help |
| Market price: ¥ 178.00
MSL price:
¥ 168.00
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| Stock:
In Stock |
MSL rating:
 Good for Gifts |
| MSL Pointer Review:
Packed with ground-breaking concepts and information that will lead couples to new ways of thinking, this book will benefit couples in achieving committed relationships and sex. |
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Author: David Schnarch, Ph.D.
Publisher: Owl Books (NY); Reprint edition
Pub. in: May, 1998
ISBN: 0805058265
Pages: 432
Measurements: 9.1 x 6.8 x 1.2 inches
Origin of product: USA
Order code: BA00417
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- MSL Picks -
Most books on improving a marriage focus on communication techniques or the basics/exotics of sex ed. David Schnarch has created something quite different. This book focuses on using conflict within the couple to create the growth necessary for partners to relate to each other. The book balances a well written presentation of psychological theory with anectdotal examples of how it manifests in couples.
The root of marital conflict is not failure to communicate. Rather, it is accurate communication between incompletely individuated people. Individuation means the ability to connect with another, even in conflict, without losing one's own sense of self. When individuation is lacking, members of a couple must find ways to keep their distance from their partners in order not to lose their sense of self. This distancing is the root of marital (or other committed couple) discord.
Schnarch uses the forum of the couple to challenge each individual to develop a stronger, less contingent sense of self. The very institution that produces anxiety - the relationship - becomes the mechanism of repair! He postulates that couples only form between individuals who are similarly individuated. As one member of the couple develops, it challenges the other. The two partners "leapfrog" in their development, continually challenging the other.
This book provides some excellent suggestions on strengthening the bond in loving relationships. As time passes by, some couples tend to let the spark and excitement die, and committed relationships do not need to be that way. Part of the problem often lies in taking each other for granted; partners begin to feel too comfortable, too complacent in the relationship. As a result, they become less tolerant, less understanding, and sometimes...less loving. When some couples initially make that special commitment, they are often so blinded by what they truly believe to be love that they miss the mark and discover they are not really in love with each other at all. Rather, they are in love with the IDEA of being "in love" - in love with whom they have created that other person to be, only in their own mind. Even unmarried couples living together in loving relationships for many years often find significant changes in the relationship after they become legally married. So, life has no guarantees for happiness
The author makes a very valid point when he says, "A man is more likely to let the relationship suffer to hold on to his sense of self, while a woman is more apt to let her identity suffer to help strengthen it." Both of those principles can have a disastrous effect on the relationship and the individuals. I highly recommend this book to any committed couple experiencing difficulties in their relationship. The one important factor is that both parties must be willing and committed to making the relationship work. If only one is willing to try and the other is not (or wants out of the relationship,) it may be time to let go and start anew. By letting go of the past, you open the door to limitless possibilities of the future...and of finding true love and happiness. Perhaps this book will help strengthen your relationship or help you decide when it is time to let go. May you find lasting love, peace and happiness!
Target readers:
Anyone interested in developing a more genuine sense of self-respect, and in developing a better relationship with a partner.
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David Schnarch Ph.D. runs the Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colorado, where he lives. He is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified sex therapist, and a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
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From Erica Jorgensen:
People joke that the start of a couple's marriage means the end of their sex life. David Schnarch, a sex therapist praised by Pepper Schwartz, uses epiphany-laden conversations taken directly from his own marriage and the married couples he sees in practice to help readers defy the myth that marriages are necessarily passionless, and instead prove that the longer a couple has been together, the higher the fireworks can fly. It's especially aimed at older couples who, Schnarch says, are self-actualized and therefore better able to handle intimacy than younger partners. "People have difficulty with intimacy because they're supposed to," he says, and goes on in this inspiring book to combine elements of marriage therapy and sex therapy to bring plenty of practical, fresh ideas to the crowd of mostly vapid relationship books. (Note that despite its title, it's for any emotionally committed couple, not just married folks.)
Schnarch says that a man is more likely to let a relationship suffer in order to hold on to his sense of self, while a woman is more apt to let her identity suffer to help strengthen it. Schnarch gives explicit tips on how to alter this pattern, an essential step he calls "differentiation." He also explains why compromise isn't always the best route to take when conflicts arise. The couples profiled here deal with the usual suspects: uneven sexual desire and initiation, battles about oral sex, self-image problems, the "boondoggle" of trust (both of one's self and one's partner), and the specter of divorce. Instead of focusing on each client's weaknesses, Schnarch teaches how to find inner strength and resilience that can be used to reaffirm a relationship and reignite sex. William H. Masters of Masters and Johnson fame calls this book "a classic," and no wonder.
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| View all 11 comments |
Janet Carlson Freed (Town & Country) (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
At the top of my very short list of must-reads…a book to be underlined, dog-eared and carried around for weeks. |
An American reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
My wife and I have read all David's books and this one is the most effective presentation of his ideas and material. David is part of a group of cutting edge scholars/therapists that has unlocked the mysteries of human dysfunction and behavior. We have read this book no less than 6 times each and have reread passages dozens of times. We coupled this with counseling from one of his clinical partners and have revolutionized all of our relationships, both intimate and casual. The ideologies presented in this book changed our lives. Life can be a lot better even if you think it's great now. This isn't a read for the fun of it, it's about you and who you can become. |
An American reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
A friend of mine gave me this book as a gift. I couldn't put it down! THIS IS NOT A SEX MANUAL, IT IS A RELATIONSHIP BOOK. This is an EXCELLENT guide to how to combat issues in your relationship and incidentally, fixing issues your relationship will lead to better sex. Just like quantum theory in which each part represents the whole, what's happening in your bedroom is a reflection of bigger issues that are affecting your whole relationship. This book approaches such issues with a refreshing NEGATION of what society and therapists generally tell you to do. The paradoxes of life are aptly and succinctly stated and this book gives you footing to deal with the paradoxes in a healthy way. I can't recommend this book more highly. This is the best RELATIONSHIP book I've ever read. I even told my 60 year old mother to buy it. |
An American reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
Clearly, Schnarch's emphasis is on differentiating one's self from their marital partner creating an actual desire [a wanting] rather than a need. By differentiating, a person suddenly becomes rather than depends by self-validating through what Schnarch's calls fusion. It was wonderful to read that most people marry because of childhood insecurities [at least someone admits to this]. The sexual content of this book didn't mean as much to me as the last few chapters. Although, I truly believe the sexual content of this book helps couples to connect. I was very happy that my partner's therapist suggested we both read this book after a year and a half of therapy due to a well kept secret of childhood sexual abuse. We have found this book to be one of the best. |
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