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Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again (Paperback)
by Michele Weiner-Davis
| Category:
Marriage Relationships Self-help |
| Market price: ¥ 158.00
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¥ 148.00
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| MSL Pointer Review:
Down-to-earth, effective advice to couples working together and to individuals attempting to save a troubled marriage. |
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Author: Michele Weiner-Davis
Publisher: Simon & Schuster; Reprint edition
Pub. in: February, 1993
ISBN: 0671797255
Pages: 256
Measurements: 8.4 x 5.6 x 0.7 inches
Origin of product: USA
Order code: BA00416
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- Awards & Credential -
The National Bestseller (in America) |
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- MSL Picks -
The book details what Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy (SBT) is about and offers step by step ways to turn failing marriages around- even if only one partner is seeking to save the marriage. The book is written in a direct, non-psycobabble language and is also entertaining. SBT is designed to work far faster than traditional therapy- as many as 10 sessions but usually 4-6 sessions with only a couple of weeks between sessions.
The author wrote the book to get the information about SBT out to more people faster because SBT really works. She has received countless letters to this effect as well as having seen successes from her own practice. It is also enlightening to know that she was a "traditional" marriage counselor before shifting to SBT.
Plenty of examples and "how to's" and it is designed to work fast. The author contrasts traditional therapy versus SBT and explains why SBT works and gives some good insight as to why long drawn out traditional therapy often fails- especially if one partner is not willing to reconcile.
Rather than psychoanalyze why husbands or wives are a certain way, she directs the reader to examine "successes" from earlier in the marriage. She then guides the reader towards seeking positive outcomes via short-term simple goals/objectives based on those things that "worked" in the past.
The book also provides insight as to how men and women interact in a marriage environment and how men and women view and react to things differently. It also provides tremendous insight as to how a husband and wife can both be "working" at making a marriage successful, yet still be heading down the road to misery and possibly even divorce.
We highly recommend the book to couples spanning the spectrum from newly engaged to those who have already divorced.
Target readers:
Couples and individuals trying to save their marriages.
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Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., is a therapist in private practice specializing in Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy. Her highly acclaimed workshops have earned her national recognition. She lives with her husband and two children in Illinois.
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From the Publisher:
In this ground-breaking book, Michele Weiner-Davis gives straightforward, effective advice on how couples can stay together instead of come apart.
Using case histories to illustrate her marriage-enriching, divorce- preventing techniques, which can be used even if only one partner participates, Weiner-Davis shows readers:
- How to leave the past behind and set attainable goals.
- Strategies for identifying problem-solving behavior that works - and how to make changes last.
- "Uncommon-sense" methods for breaking unproductive patterns.
Inspirational and accessible, Divorce Busting shows readers in pain that working it out is better than getting out.
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Chapter 1
Divorce Is Not the Answer
The decision to divorce or remain together to work things out is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. It is crucial for those considering divorce to anticipate what lies ahead in order to make informed decisions. Too often the fallout from divorce is far more devastating than many people realize when contemplating the move. This chapter outlines some of the common pitfalls of divorce to aid readers in decisions about their marriages.
The following is a letter written by a woman who read an article about my views on divorce in the Los Angeles Times:
Dear Ms. Weiner-Davis:
My age is sixty-seven, and after nineteen years of a marriage that was impossible in my opinion, I did seek a divorce. I sincerely believed that my children and I would be better off if I got out of the marriage, and this was confirmed and encouraged by therapists. I should have tried harder to make our lives better. I should have changed myself more. I wish I knew then all the things I know now. It takes so long to attain wisdom, when it is needed when one is young.
I was forty and attractive and wanted to "grow," and did not like the way my children were, emotionally, living with the type of person their father was. I did what I thought was the best thing to do, at that time. And yes, I did think I would spend a year or so alone, remarry, and everything would be fine.
My children, who did not like their father, were nevertheless adversely affected over the years because of the divorce. They are now grown and have learned to accept him as he is. But damage was done. I "went out into the world" for the first time in my life and I did grow, learn, experience fantastic fun and loneliness as well. I eventually remarried and my marriage at this time is fine. But it took a lot of work to make it this way.
The article stirred up lots of feelings and doubts about what I thought for so long was "the right thing" to do - divorce. Many years ago, a friend said to me that getting a divorce is like getting hit by a Mack truck. It is. For everyone involved.
My ex-husband has remarried and I believe his wife has difficulty coping with some of his idiosyncrasies but she accepts them and enjoys an otherwise good life with him. (I should have been wise enough to do the same.)
I am not thoroughly convinced that I did the wrong thing, but I am sorry that I did not get better counseling and give it more time before disrupting four lives (two children). Maybe the marriage could have been saved.
Mainly, I would like to applaud you and the other therapists on the new view of divorce. Divorce should only be done as a last resort, when all other efforts have been exhausted. For everyone's sake.
You should feel proud of the work you are doing. Congratulations.
Mary
I was very touched by this letter because it captured the feelings expressed by so many divorced people I've met over the years. In a desperate attempt to expand her own life and improve the quality of life for her children, she left her husband. Convinced this move would be best for all concerned, she made a decision that would change their lives. As she reflected on the outcome of her decision, she was not without regrets. Her second marriage taught her that all marriages require a commitment to work out differences since no partners are perfect; like any package deal, there are pluses and minuses. With painstaking honesty, she admitted the wisdom in accepting certain idiosyncrasies in one's spouse in order to enjoy "an otherwise good life with him" (as his new wife understands).
Her children taught her about the damaging effects of divorce despite her belief she was rescuing them from their unlikable father. Ironically, they eventually learned to "accept him as he is" anyway. Despite her personal gains from the divorce, she regretted not having given the marriage more time and gotten more support for staying married from the therapists she encountered along the way.
ARE WE FINALLY LEARNING?
Clearly, divorce supplied no magic solutions for Mary. It appears that more and more couples are beginning to take a skeptical view of divorce. In fact, something remarkable happened in 1982: For the first time in twenty-five years the divorce rate dropped, after having first leveled off for one year. The National Center for Health Statistics indicated that the 1989 rates were down 4 percent from 1988. This decline followed an unprecedented rise in the number of divorces in our country from 1960 through 1980.
Why the decrease; what's going on? There are many theories. Some say the growing threat of AIDS is keeping couples together or that more couples are separating but not divorcing to spare themselves legal costs. However, my explanation is different. I believe that people are beginning to realize how devastating divorce is - emotionally, financially and spiritually - for everyone involved. With enough time under our belts to have observed the results of rampant divorce, we are beginning to recognize the price we have paid for the freedom of disposable marriages.
My conclusion - that divorce is not the answer - is based on more than a decade of observation of clients, friends and family who have opted to divorce and on input from many of my colleagues who work with couples and families. In regard to divorce, this is what I have learned:
1. DIVORCE DOESN'T SOLVE THE PROBLEMS IT IS MEANT TO SOLVE
There are primarily two reasons people divorce. One is to escape a relationship that has been painful, loveless or destructive. The second is to seek a more satisfying life with a new partner or alone. As you will see in this chapter, these goals are not always accomplished through divorce. Some people do go on to enhance their lives, but the price they pay is often higher than anticipated.
Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce. Life is almost always more arduous and more complicated than they expect. It is often more depleting and more lonely for at least one member of the marriage. At the time of divorce, people are intent on getting rid of their unhappiness, and they find it difficult to conjure up understanding for something they have never experienced. It is hard for them to imagine the multiple changes that divorce will bring in its wake. Eventually they do learn, however, that the changes we make from divorce are hard-won. (Wallerstein and Blakeslee, 1989.)
"If It Weren't for You, I'd Be Happy"
Desperately unhappy people search for ways out of their unhappiness. They start by trying to determine the cause of their misery. As they look around, married people often see their spouse as the culprit. Blaming your spouse for your unhappiness is easy to do. Everyone does it, often supported in this kind of thinking by friends and relatives. "I would be happier if he were more attentive"; "If she didn't nag so much, I would enjoy my life"; "He's gone so much, of course I'm miserable" are some of the more common spousal complaints. Underlying each of these statements is the belief that the person's unhappiness is caused by his or her mate. Logic then dictates that divorce is the solution: "If I get rid of my spouse, I will get rid of this problem and then I will be happy."
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. People are shocked to discover that their difficulties continue to hound them in spite of their single status or their choice of a new partner. Some disillusioned divorced people tell me, "My spouse's habits really irritated me, but now I can't cope with this loneliness. The silence in the evenings is killing me." Or "The new guy I married seemed so sensitive and open, the qualifies I missed in my first marriage, but as I've gotten to know him better he now seems more like a clone of my first husband." Or "I thought leaving my wife and all of her demands would make me happy, but oddly enough I am still unhappy."
As you will learn from this book, diagnosing your spouse as the problem means that your microscope lens may be too narrowly focused. You are failing to notice how the habits you both have developed and the roles you've both played have contributed to your unworkable marriage. Unfortunately, you take those habits with you when you go.
If getting rid of one's problematic spouse was a solution, why would 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce? If divorce were truly an answer, people would learn from the mistakes they made in their first marriage. Their second marriage would provide them with opportunities to apply what they learned. Sometimes this is the case, but more frequently, people are not prepared for the complexities of second marriages or blended families. Sometimes the trials and tribulations of the previous marriage with all its aggravation seem mild by comparison. But the results of this sort of comparison come too late. People discover that the grass isn't any greener on the other side after all. Then the decision to divorce a second time is often less agonizing since there's familiarity with the process.
"If It Weren't for You, There Would Be No More Arguments"
Many people leave their marriages expecting the arguments to stop. Divorce does offer a temporary reprieve from the tension and/or arguing, but when children are involved, marital debates frequently do not cease with the divorce decree. I have worked with divorced couples unable to resolve child-custody, visitation and child-rearing issues. They give new meaning to the words "hostile" and "angry." That these two human beings once shared a cordial or loving relationship is almost unthinkable because all that remains of their shared history is hatred.
What also continues to amaze me is how even many years of physical separation fail to free these couples from intense emotional bonds. Their inability to resolve certain child-rearing issues reflects their inability to let go of each other…
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| View all 11 comments |
Claire Berman (author of A Hole in My Heart: Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out) (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
By focusing on the positive and the possible, Weiner-Davis offers couples hope and much needed help in making marriages work. |
Arlene Modica Matthews (author of Why Did I Marry You, Anyway?) (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
This refreshing approach for breaking relationship stalemates may be just the catalyst for change your relationship requires. |
Library Journal (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
With a 50 percent divorce rate in the United States, this is a welcome guide to keeping marriages intact. Weiner-Davis employs solution-oriented brief therapy (SBT) to solve immediate marriage problems, in only four to ten sessions. Unlike conventional, long-term therapy, Weiner-Davis uses very concrete, basic information to work on present and future issues. Remembering and focusing discussions on what worked in a relationship instead of what went wrong is an important element for a positive outcome in SBT. |
Sarah Luciani (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
I got this book not because I was headed for divorce, but having a difficult time in my marriage as happens to everyone that has been married for awhile. As a married person, I know my thoughts of "should I leave this?" are not all that uncommon in today's society. I was at a place where I was really asking myself that question. This book was really a lifesaver for me and my marriage when I got it. Michelle Weiner states "No marriage is an island". Some marital difficulties can be precipitate by happenings outside the marriage. It is easiest to blame the one's we are close to! This book helped me see how I myself often pointed accusational fingers at my husband, when I was truly not always the one willing to work on things. I often blamed him when other areas of my life were not going well. My relationship has actually improved greatly for the better since I read this book which was six months ago. I was able to view Michele's philosophy that all marriages are salvageable, and most are worth saving. I saw mine that way. I remind myself of all the reasons why I married my husband, and keep myself in check now. I believe that this book is very helpful, and especially if a person wants to try to save a marriage that looks like it is heading for divorce. |
View all 11 comments |
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