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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Paperback)
by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
| Category:
Parenting |
| Market price: ¥ 168.00
MSL price:
¥ 158.00
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MSL rating:
 Good for Gifts |
| MSL Pointer Review:
Apply the time-tested communication techniques taught in this book and you'll get your kids cooperation without yelling or arguing. |
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Author: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
Publisher: Collins; 20th Anniversary Edition
Pub. in: October, 1999
ISBN: 0380811960
Pages: 286
Measurements: 8.1 x 5.4 x 0.8 inches
Origin of product: USA
Order code: BA00604
Other information: Updated edition
ISBN-13: 978-0380811960
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- Awards & Credential -
National Bestseller in America with more than 2 million copies sold. It ranks #211 in books on Amazon.com as of January 10, 2007. |
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- MSL Picks -
A real how-to resource, this book offers practical advice based on the premise that all people, including children, are basically reasonable and that they respond well to empathy. More than a touchy-feely notion, the authors advise, coach, provide scenarios, and so forth, based on this premise. I can tell you from my own experience that trying some of their approaches yields instant payoffs. More importantly, the communication skills it advocates create the foundation for a more meaningful relationship, and gives you simple tools to gradually encourage their self-determination and freedom as they mature.
We recommend reading this book one chapter at a time. After each chapter, put the book down and practice the skills until you "get it." If you are not much of a reader, just read the comic strips.
This is one of the most useful book on raising children. Really it is about cultivating adults.
Target readers:
All parents, teachers, educators and parenting and family counselors.
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- Better with -
Better with
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
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Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are internationally acclaimed, award-winning experts on adult-child communication. Both lecture nationwide, and their group workshop programs are used by thousands of groups throughout the world to improve communication between children and adults.
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From Publisher
You Can Stop Fighting With Your Chidren!
Here is the bestselling book that will give you the know-how you need to be more effective with your children and more supportive of yourself. Enthusiastically praised by parents and professionals around the world, the down-to-earth, respectful approach of Faber and Mazlish makes relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding.
Their methods of communication, illustrated with delightful cartoons showing the skills in action, offer innovative ways to solve common problems.
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Chapter One
Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings
Part One
I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.
Living with real children can be humbling. Every morning I would tell myself, "Today is going to be different," and every morning was a variation of the one before. "You gave her more than me!" ... "That's the pink cup. I want the blue cup." ... "This oatmeal looks like 'throw-up.'"..."He punched me."..."I never touched him!" "I won't go to my room. You're not the boss over me!"
They finally wore me down. And though it was the last thing I ever dreamed I'd be doing, I joined a parent group. The group met at a local child guidance center and was led by a young psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott.
The meeting was intriguing. The subject was "children's feelings," and the two hours sped by. I came home with a head spinning with new thoughts and a notebook full of undigested ideas:
Direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.
When kids feel right, they'll behave right.
How do we help them to feel right?
By accepting their feelings!
Problem - Parents don't usually accept their children's feelings; for example: "You don't really feel that way." "You're just saying that because you're tired." "There's no reason to be so upset."
Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are - not to trust them.
After the session I remember thinking, "Maybe other parents do that. I don't." Then I started listening to myself. Here are some sample conversations from my home - just from a single day.
CHILD: Mommy, I'm tired.
ME: You couldn't be tired. You just napped.
CHILD: (louder) But I'm tired.
ME: You're not tired. You're just a little sleepy. Let's get dressed.
CHILD: (wailing) No, I'm tired!
CHILD: Mommy, it's hot in here.
ME: It's cold. Keep your sweater on.
CHILD: No, I'm hot.
ME: I said, "Keep your sweater on!"
CHILD: No, I'm hot.
CHILD: That TV show was boring.
ME: No it wasn't. It was very interesting.
CHILD: It was stupid.
ME: It was educational.
CHILD: It stunk.
ME: Don't talk that way!
Can you see what was happening? Not only were all our conversations turning into arguments, I was also telling my children over and over again not to trust their own perceptions, but to rely upon mine instead.
Once I was aware of what I was doing. I was determined to change. But I wasn't sure of how to go about it. What finally helped me most was actually putting myself in my children's shoes. I asked myself, "Suppose I were a child who was tired, or hot or bored? And suppose I wanted that all-important grown-up in my life to know what I was feeling... ?"
Over the next weeks I tried to tune in to what I felt my children might be experiencing; and when I did, my words seemed to follow naturally. I wasn't just using a technique. I really meant it when I said, "So you're still feeling tired - even though you just napped." Or "I'm cold, but for you it's hot in here." Or "I can see you didn't care much for that show." After all we were two separate people, capable of having two different sets of feelings. Neither of us was right or wrong. We each felt what we felt.
For a while my new skill was a big help. There was a noticeable reduction in the number of arguments between the children and me. Then one day my daughter announced, "I hate Grandma," and it was my mother she was talking about. I never hesitated for a second. "That is a terrible thing to say," I snapped. "You know you don't mean it. I don't ever want to hear that coming out of your mouth again."
That little exchange taught me something else about myself. I could be very accepting about most of the feelings the children had, but let one of them tell me something that made me angry or anxious and I'd instantly revert to my old way.
I've since learned that my reaction was not that unusual. On the following page you'll find examples of other statements children make that often lead to an automatic denial from their parents. Please read each statement and jot down what you think a parent might say if he were denying his child's feelings.
Did you find yourself writing things like:
"That's not so. I know in your heart you really love the baby."
"What are you talking about? You had a wonderful party--ice cream, birthday cake, balloons. Well, that's the last party you'll ever have!"
"Your bite-plate can't hurt that much. After all the money we've invested in your mouth, you'll wear that thing whether you like it or not!"
"You have no right to be mad at the teacher. It's your fault. You should have been on time."
Somehow this kind of talk comes easily to many of us. But how do children feel when they hear it? In order to get a sense of what it's like to have one's feelings disregarded, try the following exercise:
Imagine that you're at work. Your employer asks you to do an extra job for him. He wants it ready by the end of the day.
You mean to take care of it immediately, but because of a series of emergencies that come up, you completely forget. Things are so hectic, you barely have time for your own lunch.
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| View all 14 comments |
The Boston Globe (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
A parenting bible. |
Los Angles Times (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
Designed to bring adults to the level of children, and children to the level of adults, so that this happy meeting ground can truly make for harmony in the home. |
Washington Post (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
An excellent book that's applicable to any relationship.
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Parent Magazine (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-10 00:00>
Faber and Mazlish are doing for parenting today what Dr. Spock did for our generation.
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View all 14 comments |
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