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Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers (Hardcover)
by Lois P. Frankel
| Category:
Personal improvement, Career development, Female reading |
| Market price: ¥ 228.00
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¥ 208.00
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| MSL Pointer Review:
Although you may not be aware of it, girlish behaviors such as these are sabotaging your career! This is a book aiming at help you break the impasse. |
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Author: Lois P. Frankel
Publisher: Warner Business Books
Pub. in: January, 2005
ISBN: 0446531324
Pages: 288
Measurements: 7.9 x 6 x 0.9
Origin of product: USA
Order code: BA00802
Other information: ISBN-13: 978-0446531320
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- Awards & Credential -
Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office has become an international bestseller translated into over 22 languages - 101 of them to be exact! |
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- MSL Picks -
How to undo years of socialization of gender roles while working in business? This is a dilemma that women are facing as they push on the glass ceiling. What if the glass ceiling were as much self-created as part of corporate culture? These are some of the issues that Lois Frankel attempts to address in "Nice Girls."
Her analysis of gender training (such as Nice Girls Aren't Loud) are pretty much what I heard as a child. Yet...what a delicate line women must walk, as being tough is interpreted as bitchiness instead of hard-headed business savvy. So here's the problem; Frankel advises worrying less about being liked, advises apologizing sparingly -- not profusely and frequently, but that isn't the same as permission to have a take-no-prisoners attitude. While occasionally being disliked is going to be hard on women who work cooperatively and not in a hierarchical manner, Frankel explains why niceness may short-circuit the path to a deserved top spot.
While Frankel's book has excellent advice about avoiding subtle but destructive body language and practices like apologizing and making declarative statements into questions, as well as failing to blow one's own horn as needed, there are other books that explain the male-dominated playing field such as "Hardball for Women." It's not enough to understand our own failures to mesh into a world where men pretty much make the rules, it's also important to understand the rules thoroughly. "Rules favor the rulemakers, and when they don't, the rules are changed." Look at the troubles of Carly Fiorina and the attitudes towards Martha Stewart to see some of the pitfalls that can trap someone while following the advice in Frankel's book without understanding all the rules or new rules of behavior.
(Quoting from Joanna Daneman, USA)
Target readers:
Professional woman.
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- Better with -
Better with
One Person/Multiple Careers: A New Model for Work/Life Success
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Lois P. Frankel, Ph. D., an internationally recognized executive coach who has worked with Fortune 500 companies, reveals why some women roar ahead in their careers while others stagnate. She's spotted a unique set of behaviors-101 in all-that women learn in girlhood that sabotage them as adults. Now, in this groundbreaking guide, she helps you eliminate these unconscious mistakes that could be holding you back-and offers invaluable coaching tips you can easily incorporate into your social and business skills.
If you recognize and change the behaviors that say "girl" not "woman," the results will pay off in career opportunities you never thought possible-and in an image that identifies you as someone with the power and know-how to occupy the corner office!
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From The Publisher
For every professional woman who wants to get ahead - but feels she is at an impasse - Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office comes to the rescue. Although it's less threatening and more politically correct for women to point the finger outwardly when assessing why they are overlooked for promotions and assignments for which they are superbly qualified, the real answers may lie inward.
In this book, Dr. Lois Frankel, an internationally recognized corporate coach and author, reveals the 101 self-sabotaging behaviors women learn as girls-behaviors and habits that are now holding them back in the workplace, such as couching statements as questions, tilting your head when you speak, waiting to be noticed and pinching company pennies. From executive to entry level, every woman needs to know what she is doing to subconsciously sound, look, act, market herself, and/or be treated like a "girl". This book will help women to become aware of when and how they are damaging their career and it will give them the advice and tips they need to help replace these self-defeating behaviors with more effective ones - and finally claim the corner office they so richly deserve.
10 Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers
from Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office
MISTAKE # 3 WORKING TOO HARD
Women don't get ahead because they work hard. Likeability, strategic thinking, networking, and being a team player are but a few of the other factors that go into crafting a successful career.
MISTAKE # 9 AVOIDING OFFICE POLITICS
Trying to avoid office politics is like trying to avoid the weather. If you're not involved in office politics, you're not playing the game and, if you're not playing the game, you can't possibly win.
MISTAKE # 16 NEEDING TO BE LIKED
It's critical for women to understand the difference between being liked and being respected. A girl's need to be liked will preclude her from taking the kinds of risks taken by women who are respected.
MISTAKE # 17 NOT NEEDING TO BE LIKED
Fear of being perceived as a pushover causes some women to adopt the attitude, "I'm not here to win a popularity contest." Well, I'm here to tell you, yes you are.
MISTAKE # 26 DECORATING YOUR OFFICE LIKE YOUR LIVING ROOM
Your office or workspace can be a reflection of who you are and what's important to you, but that doesn't mean it should look like your living room. By emphasizing your femininity, you can diminish your credibility.
MISTAKE # 33 OBEDIENTLY FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS
Women are often so anxious to get the job done quickly that they pay attention to the details and not the big picture. Women who get ahead know how to balance the tactical with the strategic. Don't just do your job, add value by not obediently following instructions, but thinking and planning-which is what you want to be known for.
MISTAKE # 37 SKIPPING MEETINGS
Meetings are to see and be seen, meet and greet, or play show and tell. It's part of branding and marketing yourself.
MISTAKE # 59 ASKING PERMISSION
Men don't ask for permission, they ask for forgiveness. Every time a woman asks permission to do or say something, she diminishes her stature and relegates herself to the position of a child.
MISTAKE # 77 TILTING YOUR HEAD
When trying to convey a direct message, tilting your head can be interpreted as uncertain or lacking commitment to what you're saying-even when you're dead sure of what you're saying. It's one way women have learned to communicate difficult messages in a socially acceptable, but less assertive, way.
MISTAKE # 98 BEING THE LAST TO SPEAK
The inclination to hold back when men are present is a huge mistake. The longer you wait to speak, the more likely it is that someone else will say what you're thinking-and get credit for it.
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Chapter 1
Getting Started
Here's your first coaching tip: Don't begin reading this book until you've learned how to use it to your advantage. You'll only end up thinking everything applies to you in equal proportions when in fact you're probably doing better than you think. You know how we women can be-more critical of ourselves than necessary and reluctant to take credit where it's due. When I coach women, I often tell them that changing behavior is much easier if they can understand where it comes from and what purpose it serves. All behavior serves a purpose-take a few minutes now to understand what purpose yours serves.
From the outset I want you to know and, even more important, believe that the mistakes impeding you from reaching your career goals or potential don't happen because you're stupid or incompetent (although others might want to make you think so). You are simply acting in ways consistent with your socialization. Beyond girlhood, no one ever tells us that acting differently is an option-and so we don't. Whether it's because we are discouraged from doing so or because we are unaware of the alternatives, we often fail to develop a repertoire of woman-appropriate behaviors.
As an executive coach to both men and women in organizations of all sizes around the world, I've had the opportunity to gain insight into why some people move forward fluidly in their careers while others stagnate, never fully reaching their potential.
Although there are plenty of mistakes made by both men and.women that hold them back, there are a unique set of mistakes made predominantly by women. Whether I'm working in Jakarta, Oslo, Prague, Frankfurt, Wellington, or Detroit, I'm amazed to watch women across cultures make the same mistakes at work. They may be more exaggerated in Hong Kong than in Houston, but they're variations on the same theme. And I know they're mistakes because once women address them and begin to act differently, their career paths take wonderful turns they never thought possible.
So why do women stay in the place of girlhood long after it's productive for them? One reason is because we've been taught that acting like a girl-even when we're grown up-isn't such a bad thing. Girls get taken care of in ways boys don't. Girls aren't expected to fend for or take care of themselves-others do that for them. Sugar and spice and everything nice-that's what little girls are made of. Who doesn't want to be everything nice?
The virtues of girls are extolled in songs. "I Enjoy Being a Girl." "Thank Heaven for Little Girls." "My Girl." "The Girl from Ipanema." Who wouldn't want to be a girl? People like girls. Men want to protect you. Cuddly or sweet, tall or tan, girls don't ask for much. They're nice to be around and they're nice to have around-sort of like pets.
Being a girl is certainly easier than being a woman. Girls don't have to take responsibility for their destiny. Their choices are limited by a narrowly defined scope of expectations. And here's another reason why we continue to exhibit the behaviors learned in childhood even when at some level we know they're holding us back: We can't see beyond the boundaries that have traditionally circumscribed the parameters of our influence. It's dangerous to go out of bounds. When you do, you get accused of trying to act like a man or being "bitchy." All in all, it's easier to behave in socially acceptable ways.
There's only one problem. When we live a life circumscribed by the expectations of others, we live a limited life. What does it really mean to live our lives as girls rather than women? It means we choose behaviors consistent with those that are expected of us rather than those that move us toward fulfillment and self-actualization. Rather than live consciously, we live reactively. Although we mature physically, we never really mature emotionally. And while this may allow us momentary relief from real-world dilemmas, it never allows us to be fully in control of our destiny.
As I said in the introduction, observing, coaching, and facilitating workshops for professional women have enabled me to learn firsthand how acting like a girl gets in the way of achieving your career potential. Missed opportunities for career-furthering assignments or promotions arise from being reluctant to showcase your capabilities, feeling hesitant to speak in meetings, and working so hard that you forget to build the relationships necessary for long-term success. These behaviors are only magnified in workshops at which men and women are the participants. My work in corporations allows me to facilitate both workshops for only women and leadership development programs for mixed groups within the same company. Even women whom I've seen act assertively in a group of other women become more passive, compliant, and reticent to speak in a mixed group.
The Case of Susan
Let me give you an example of a woman with whom I worked who wondered why she wasn't reaching her full potential. Susan was a procurement manager for a Fortune 100 oil company. She'd been with this firm for more than twelve years when she expressed frustration over not moving as far or as fast as male colleagues who'd commenced employment at the same time she did. Although Susan thought there might be gender bias at play, she never considered how she contributed to her own career plateauing. Before Susan and I met one-on-one in a coaching session, I had the opportunity to observe her in meetings with her peers.
At the first meeting I noticed this attractive woman with long blond hair, diminutive figure, and deep blue eyes. Being from Texas, she spoke with a delicate Southern accent and had an alluring way of cocking her head and smiling as she listened to others. She was a pleasure to have in the room, but she reminded me of a cheerleader-attractive, vivacious, warm, and supportive.
As others spoke, she nodded her head and smiled. When she did speak, she used equivocating phrases like "Perhaps we should consider . . ."; "Maybe it's because . . ."; and "What if we . . ." Because of these behaviors no one would ever accuse Susan of being offensive, but neither would they consider her executive material.
After several more meetings at which I observed her behavior vis-à-vis her peers, Susan and I met privately to explore her career aspirations. Based on her looks, demeanor, and what I had heard her say in meetings, I assumed she was perhaps thirty to thirty-five years old. I was floored when she told me she was forty-seven, with nearly twenty years' experience in the area of procurement. I had no clue she had that kind of history and experience-and if I didn't, no one else did either. Without realizing it, Susan was acting in ways consistent with her socialization. She had received so much positive reinforcement for these behaviors that she'd come to believe they were the only ways she could act and still be successful.
Susan bought into the stereotype of bein' a girl.
Truth be told, the behaviors she exhibited in meetings did contribute to her early career success. The problem was that they would not contribute to reaching future goals and aspirations. Her management, peers, and direct reports acknowledged she was a delight to work with, but they didn't seriously consider her for more senior positions or high-visibility projects. Susan acted like a girl and, accordingly, was treated like one. Although she knew she had to do some things differently if she were to have any chance of reaching her potential, she didn't have a clue what they would be.
I eventually came to learn Susan was the youngest of four children and the only girl in the family. She was the apple of Daddy's eye and protected by her brothers. She learned early on that being a girl was a good thing. She used it to her advantage. And as Susan grew up, she continued to rely on the stereotypically feminine behaviors that resulted in getting her needs met. She was the student teachers loved having in class, the classmate with whom everyone wanted to be friends, and the cheerleader everyone admired. Susan had no reference for alternative ways of acting that would bring her closer to her dream of being promoted to a vice president position.
We're All Girls at Heart
Although Susan is an extreme example of how being a girl can pay huge dividends, most of us have some Susan in us. We behave in ways consistent with the roles we were socialized to play, thereby never completely moving from girlhood to womanhood. As nurturers, supporters, or helpmates, we are more invested in seeing others get their needs met than we are in ensuring that ours are acknowledged. And there's another catch. When we do try to break out of those roles and act in more mature, self-actualizing ways, we are often met with subtle-and not-so-subtle-resistance designed to keep us in a girl role. Comments like "You're so cute when you're angry," "What's the matter? Are you on the rag?" or "Why can't you be satisfied with where you are?" are designed to keep us in the role of a girl.
When others question our femininity or the validity of our feelings, our typical response is to back off rather than make waves. We question the veracity of our experience. If it's fight or flight, we often flee. And every time we do, we take a step back into girlhood and question our self-worth. In this way we collude with others to remain girls rather than become women. And here is where we must begin to accept responsibility for not getting our needs met or never reaching our full potential. Eleanor Roosevelt was right when she said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Stop consenting. Stop colluding. Quit bein' a girl!
Managing Your Anxiety
I can see by the looks on women's faces, and from their comments, that anxiety and confusion are part of the learning process. My 1989 audiotape, Women and Power: Understand Your Fear/Releasing Your Potential, and my book, Women, Anger & Depression: Strategies for Self-Empowerment (Health Communications, 1991) contain now dated examples, but the content related to the process remains on target. More than a decade later, when the suggestion is made to embrace their power, women reject the notion of being perceived as too masculine, aggressive, or uncooperative out of fear. It is so counter to our socialization that we dismiss it out of hand. The notion that we must be for others rather than for ourselves is implanted so strongly that we are reluctant to explore the alternative.
The irony is that women act powerfully all the time, but in ways different from men. Relying on our "girlish charm" can be just as influential, but less direct and less confrontational. In other words, we wield power less directly than men. We've learned to be less direct so we will not be perceived as taking too much power away from men. This is at the core of our difficulties with gaining increased influence skills and organizational visibility.
Each time a woman directly asserts herself, however, she is essentially saying to the men in her life (whether they are husbands, sons, bosses, or other male authority figures), "I want something from you. I want what is rightfully mine. I expect my needs to be met, too." With each assertion we frequently feel guilty. We equate taking control back with taking something away from someone else.
More than simply getting what we need, deserve, or want, we are forcing others to give back what we have been giving away for so long. The reactions we get are difficult to cope with. Others don't really want the situation to change-they already have everything they need, so why should they change?
Resistance to change is normal. It is to be expected. Like the alcoholic in recovery who finds others colluding to bring him or her back to a place of intoxication, the girl who moves toward womanhood will find herself faced with people who want to continue to infantilize her. This is what you must keep in mind if you want to achieve your goals.
What's a Girl to Do?
Here are some specific coaching tips-a prelude of what is to follow. Take them one at a time. Don't try to do them all at once- you'll only set yourself up for frustration. Choose one or two on which to work, then come back for more.
- Give yourself permission to move from girlhood to womanhood. It may seem like a simple idea, but it's one that is often resisted for all the reasons mentioned above. Have a good, long talk with yourself. Tell yourself that you are not only allowed, but entitled to act in ways that move you toward goal attainment. Try the mantra I am entitled to have my needs met, too.
- Visualize yourself as you want to be. If you can see it, you can have it. Picture yourself in the role to which you aspire. If it's in the corner office, see yourself at the desk with the accoutrements that go along with it. Consider the behaviors in which you will engage to warrant this position and the ways in which you will act. Bring them into your reality.
- Talk back to the fearful voice inside your head. This may sound crazy at first, but you must counter the old messages and replace them with new ones. If your fearful girl's voice says, "But no one will like me if I change," let your woman's voice respond with, "That's an old message. Let's create a new, more empowered one."
- Surround yourself with a Plexiglas shield. The Plexiglas shield is designed to allow you to see what is going on around you, but not be punctured by the negativity of others. I suggested this to a client, who later told me she thought it sounded a little crazy but decided to try it-only to find that it worked! In difficult situations she would picture herself encapsulated in a Plexiglas bubble that protected her from the disparaging remarks of others and allowed her to remain in a grounded, adult position.
- Create the word on the street. A routine exercise we do in leadership classes is to ask participants to write a twenty-five-word vision statement of how they want to be described, then list the behaviors needed to get them there. You can do the same. Write down what you want others to be saying about you, then follow it up with specific actions to make it happen. In short, accept the responsibility of adulthood.
- Recognize resistance and put a name to it. When you find others resisting your efforts to be more direct and empowered, con-ider first that their responses are designed to keep you in a less powerful place. Rather than acquiesce, question it. Say something like, "It seems you don't agree with what I'm saying. Let me give you the rationale for my position and then perhaps you can tell me what it is you take issue with."
- Ask for feedback. If you're worried that you are in some way acting inappropriately, ask a trusted friend or colleague for feed-back. Avoid asking a yes-no question (such as, "Did you think I was out of line?"). Try asking an open-ended question that will give you insight into how you are perceived (such as, "Tell me what I did in that meeting that helped me or hindered me from achieving my goals").
- Don't aim for perfection. Even I don't engage in all the behaviors described in this book. There are some that are just so counter to my personality, I don't even try; others that, no matter how hard I try, I don't do well. The important thing is to do a few really well and allow the rest to fall into place.
Now it's up to you. Go get' em!
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Wendy Anderson (MSL quote), USA
<2007-03-14 00:00>
This book has been all that I hoped for and more. The book, in a nutshell, basically says that to get ahead in life, in career, in everything, women need to stop acting like little girls.
Replete with examples from Ms. Frankel's consulting clients, this book gives practical, no-holds-barred evaluations of such behaviours as feeding people at the office, working too hard, asking questions instead of making statements, and "asking permission." That last was a revelation to me.
As Ms. Frankel points out, we are all raised in a society that says you should get proper approvals before taking a step - any step. But men learn when to ask and when to just go ahead. Men learn how to apply the rubric "It's easier to get forgiveness than to get permission." Ms. Frankel pointes out that children, not adults, ask for permission to do perfectly rational things. I had never considered how detrimental to my career the habit of asking permission had been. But I decided to give Ms. Frankel's suggestions a try. I went to my boss and said, "I cannot come in on Friday." My boss looked nonplussed. I was petrified, but proud. I had done it. I had Made A Statement instead of Seeking Approval. And he didn't demur. He said, "Okay," and we went on with the day.
If you are feeling frustrated by the glass ceiling, if you feel stuck and can't figure out why you can't get further in your career ambitions (and if you're a female), this book is definitely worth the investment. It opened my eyes to things I did that I never even thought about, things that presented an image of an incompetent child - not a competent, composed, and capable woman. My image is now improving, and yours can too.
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Karen Lopez (MSL quote), USA
<2007-03-14 00:00>
I must have picked up and put back this book 10 times on 10 visits to the bookstore before I actually purchased it. I mean, I've been doing this working in an office shtick for 20 years and you'd think I'd have learned the types of behaviours that work and the ones that don't. But the better part of me won out.
Frankel is an executive coach who has written what I believe is the most valuable book one could give to new professional, female or male. For each mistake, she tells a story of someone who has made the mistake and the price they pay. Then on the next page she gives tips on how to correct or avoid the behaviour. I can see myself in some of these situations, especially early in my career.
Chapter 1 contains a self assessment, along with a description of how people learn to change their behaviours. I especially like the discussion about unconscious competence.
Chapter 2, How You Play the Game, discusses the types of work styles and approaches that get women into trouble - pinching company pennies, doing the work of others, working too hard, among others.
How You Act, Chapter 3, covers the tough problems that I constantly see women project: polling others before making a decision, needing to be liked, sharing too much personal information, decorating your office like a living room, and more.
Chapter 4, How You Think, delves into the problems women face when they think too much: viewing men as father figures, refusing perks, and making up negative stories. I found this chapter to be right on the button when comes to how women think.
The fifth chapter, How You Brand and Market Yourself keyed in on important aspects of how women diminish their position in order to be "nice". Minimizing your work or position, using only your nickname or first name, waiting to be noticed, working in stereotypical roles or departments were some of the most common mistakes I see women make.
Chapter 6, How You Sound, focused on how we women communicate: too much explaining, asking permission (we know what Grace Hopper said about this), apologizing, talking too fast, speaking softly, using touchy-feely language. Two of the mistakes are ones that I see all the time and I have witnessed how they negatively affect a women's chances for promotion: couching statements as questions, and the killer mistake, using long preambles. If you make these two mistakes on a regular basis, you need to get your hands on this book.
Chapter 7, How You Look, discusses how you present yourself, makeup mistakes, how you sit, how you dress.
Chapter 8, How You Respond, deals with how you respond to awkward and tough situations. One of my favourites here is what to say when you are asked to make coffee, get copies, or take notes. I learned very early in my career to choose to do these tasks poorly. My direct boss knew right away that I was faking it, but his bosses learned to ask some other woman to do it. Frankel here suggest to refuse and I'm not sure how that would go over. My rule is "never be good at something you don't want to do for the rest of your career."
The appendix has resources for further development.
I read this book thinking "do I do that" much of the way through and I believe that's a great thing to get out of this book. I highly recommend this to all new professionals, as many of the mistakes are made by men as well.
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A reader (MSL quote), USA
<2007-03-14 00:00>
My wife brought this book home and I took a peek. Yes, this author hits the nail on the head. Women in the workplace too often look for approval from others and when they don't do something right, apologize too quickly. Guys are naturally competitive and don't expect apologies. We're into using strengths and opportunities to the max as we move forward. If you are looking to others for approval, this book is for you. For the mental software to be your best and how to make the most of any personal or work situation, read Optimal Thinking: How To Be Your Best Self. When you use Optimal Thinking, you optimize yourself, others and your results regardless of your gender or your circumstances.
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Cathy Goodwin (MSL quote), USA
<2007-03-14 00:00>
We've had almost four decades of books on women and careers, so it's hard to offer something new. Much of what Frankel offers will seem familiar, yet she packages her advice in easy-to-take bullets. I recommend the book as a reminder - something to keep reading even when you think you've learned it all, because we all forget.
Although all these tips seem worthwhile, implementing them can be tricky. How, for instance, do we stop being naive? And some mistakes are not only common to both men and women but also have become embedded in unhealthy corporate cultures. Take breaks, she says, and don't pinch company pennies...yet some companies play the "I can work longer than you" game of staying late for "face time," while others will criticize employees who follower her suggestion to call a cab service rather than wait for a bus. And I suspect that, even now, a woman's expenses and time may be scrutinized more than a man's, in some environments.
Frankel's best tips relate to communications: avoid explaining, don't couh statements as questions, don't sit on one foot (I hadn't thought of this one!) and don't tilt your head unless you're inviting openness. I must admit I get irritated with women (AND some men!) who preface questions with, "This is a dumb question, but..." or some other preamble. Just ask! And the networking tips shouldn't be missed, especially a rare example of how networking can save a career.
I was unnerved by the advice to avoid blindly obeying your boss. You can, as she says, end up in legal trouble by obeying a n illegal order. However, if you're in this situation, there's not much you can do and you probably have to leave. Going to your boss's boss, as Frankel suggests, must be done with the greatest care and preferably another offer in hand. Most people still get ahead by making the boss look good and if you can't do this, you probably have to move.
Then again, there are few absolutes in careers or anything else. Women can do worse than to keep this book at home -- not in the office, where one should display only a calm, confident self.
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