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He's Just Not That Into You (The Newly Expanded Edition): The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (Hardcover)
by Greg Behrendt , Liz Tuccillo
| Category:
Relationship, Dating, Self help |
| Market price: ¥ 248.00
MSL price:
¥ 218.00
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MSL rating:
 Good for Gifts |
| MSL Pointer Review:
A book you have to read if you are female, single, in a relationship, or even married. |
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Author: Greg Behrendt , Liz Tuccillo
Publisher: Simon Spotlight Entertainment
Pub. in: December, 2006
ISBN: 141694740X
Pages: 208
Measurements: 8.3 x 5.6 x 1 inches
Origin of product: USA
Order code: BA00384
Other information: Expanded edition
ISBN-13: 978-1416947400
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- Awards & Credential -
The # 1 New York Times Bestseller with more than 2 million copies sold. |
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- MSL Picks -
Co-authored with Sex and the City story editor, Liz Tuccillo, the book became the publishing phenomenon of the year after its release in September 2004. The book shot to the #1 slot on the bestseller lists worldwide, including The New York Times, Wall Street Journal and USA Today. Oprah Winfrey devoted two shows to Greg and the book’s simple, but powerful message. Behrendt also made numerous television appearances including NBC’s Today Show, 20/20 and Larry King Live on CNN. After a fierce bidding war, New Line Cinema acquired the film rights to He’s Just Not That into You with the co-authors penning the script.
The authors point out that for ages women have been wasting their time meeting over coffee, drinks, or late-night phone calls to discuss their dating problems with men. They conclude that men aren't that complicated - they're simply driven by sex, though would like to pretend otherwise. Thus, if things aren't going that well for the female in a relationship, maybe he's just not that into you.
The purpose of the book is to help women read the signs and evaluate their relationships - often using humor. The "bottom line" is that if a sane guy really likes you, nothing's going to get in his way; alternatively, if he's not sane, why would you want him? The material is based on questions received from women in real situations.
Despite the obvious drawbacks such as the overgeneralization of men’s responses to different relationship situations, unbearable repetition of some messages, and the perspective of the authors not as serious psychologists but as comic and story writer), this book is still a good recommendation because of insightful revelations the author is able to produce. MSL consultants see especial value for the Chinese single women because the correct teachings about relationships are not properly or sufficiently taught at home or in school. In big cities like Shanghai and Beijing, there are a great number of single professional women who are very successful in their careers but are really struggling with their efforts finding their soul mates. This book is expected to help these women to better understand men without whom they are in a relationship. The book promises answers to many questions these women may have in the dating world and will empower them to lead the play.
One interesting thing about this book is, while the book is intended for women, many men read it and speak out their voices heard through mixed book reviews. Our impression is that the male readers show a stronger tendency of negativity toward the book, which is not difficult for one to find out when you have finished reading the book.
Target readers:
All women, but especially young career women. But this book is good for men as well to gain insight into typical male behavior in relationship situations.
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Comedian Greg Behrendt is the co-author of the two-million-copy bestseller, He’s Just Not That into You, establishing himself as a voice of reason and inspiration for all of us negotiating, and sometimes drowning in, the treacherous waters of romantic relationships. Co-authored with Sex and the City story editor, Liz Tuccillo, the book became the publishing phenomenon of the year after its release in September 2004. Based in Los Angeles, Behrendt was a consultant for three consecutive seasons on HBO’s Sex and the City in which he brought his original male point-of-view to the writing staff. His acclaimed stand-up comedy has been seen on HBO, The Tonight Show, Late Show w/David Letterman, Late Night with Conan O’Brien and Comedy Central. He was named by Variety in 2001 as one of the “10 Comics to Watch.” Liz Tuccillo is story editor of Sex and City.
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From Publisher
He says:
Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.
She says:
There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic.
For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men.
He's afraid to get hurt again.
Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.
Maybe he's intimidated by me.
He just got out of a relationship.
Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are here to say that - despite good intentions - you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.
The truth may be He's just not that into you.
Unfortunately guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, "You're not the one." But their actions absolutely show how they feel.
He's Just Not That into You - based on a popular episode of Sex and the City - educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn't like them enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end relationship.
Reexamining familiar scenarios and classic mindsets that keep us in unsatisfying relationships, Behrendt and Tuccillo's wise and wry understanding of the sexes spares women hours of waiting by the phone, obsessing over the details with sympathetic girlfriends, and hoping his mixed messages really mean "I'm in love with you and want to be with you."
He's Just Not That into You is provocative, hilarious, and, above all, intoxicatingly liberating. It deserves a place on every woman's night table. It knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start "figuring him out," consider the glorious thought that maybe He's Just Not That into You. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.
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Chapter One: he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out
Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.
Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.
Now you begin the life-changing experience of reading our book. We have put the stories we have heard and questions we've been asked in a simple question-and-answer format. If you're lucky, you'll read the following questions and know what they are: Excuses that women have made for their unsatisfying situations. If you're not so lucky, we've also included handy titles to clue you in.
The "Maybe He Doesn't Want to Ruin the Friendship" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I'm so disappointed. I have this friend that I've known platonically for about ten years. He lives in a different city and recently he was in town for work, so we met for dinner. All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, "So, what, you're working the whole 'model thing' now?" (That's flirting, right?) We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I'm disappointed because it's been two weeks and he hasn't called me. Can I call him? He might be nervous about turning the friendship into romance. Can't I give him a nudge now? Isn't that what friends are for?
Jodi
Dear Friendly Girl,
Two weeks is two weeks, except when it's ten years and two weeks. That's how long ago he decided whether or not he could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster - but watch how fast that nudge doesn't get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it's been two weeks and he's had time to think about it and decide he's just not that into you. Here's the truth: Guys don't mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a "fuck buddy" situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep conversation and model looks.
I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves - we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. And please, don't tell me he's just "scared." The only thing he's scared of - and I say this with a lot of love - is how not attracted to you he is.
The "Maybe He's Intimidated by Me" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I have a crush on my gardener. He's been potting the plants on my patio. It was hot, I saw him without his shirt on, he was hot, and now I'm hot for him. I brought out some beers and we talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my hired man. In this situation, can't I ask him out?
Cherie
Dear My Secret Garden,
He's capable of asking you out. Haven't you ever seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy. But seriously, if he didn't pick up the vibe after the beer garden, it has nothing to do with you being his big boss lady. Time to stop and smell the bad news: He's just not that into you.
Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he's into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal, I'll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Phillipe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.
By the way, why are you dating the exterminator?
Just kidding, he's a good guy.
The "Maybe He Wants to Take It Slow" Excuse
Dear Greg,
There's this guy who calls me all the time. He's recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn't ever suggest we see each other in person again. It's like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy?
Jen
Dear Pillow Talk,
Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/ starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I'm getting sleepy, it's hot, I'm going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I'll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he's still not asking you out. Now, if you're a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he's just not that into you. Be his friend if you're at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing, because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.
The "But He Gave Me His Number" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?
Lauren
Dear Control Freak,
Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you - or even return your call. Why don't you take Copperfield's number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.
"Give me a call." "E-mail me." "Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime." Don't let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.
The "Maybe He Forgot to Remember Me" Excuse
Dear Greg,
Okay, Greg. Listen to this one: I was at a conference for work and met a guy from another branch of my company. We hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I swear, when the Big Blackout of 2003 happened. In the mayhem, I didn't get to give him my number. I think the Big Blackout of 2003 is a good enough excuse to call him, don't you think? It's only common courtesy for me to check up on him, right? If I don't call, he's probably going to be all sad thinking that I'm just not that into him.
Judy
Dear Judy Blackout,
The city blacked out. He didn't. You said you work for different branches of the same company. Certainly he wouldn't have to break a sweat to scroll through the company staff roster or interoffice e-mail listing to find you. And should he not be as resourceful as you are...I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested.
P.S.: Shame on you for using an eastern seaboard disaster as an excuse to call a guy up.
Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he'll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn't, he's not worth your time. Know why? You are great. (Now, don't get cocky.)
The "Maybe I Don't Want to Play Games" Excuse
Dear Greg,
This is dumb. I know you're not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don't care! I don't want to play games. I do whatever I want! I've called guys tons of times. You're such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can't call guys and ask them out?
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
Because we don't like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they're just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It's that simple. I didn't make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don't be mad at me, Nikki. I'm not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.
Or maybe you're the chosen one.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children - sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.
IT'S SO SIMPLE
Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be." I know it's an infuriating concept - that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you're one of the nine, ladies!) I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.
HERE'S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz
Well, it's obvious. Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don't know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don't you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who'll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That'll get his attention.
Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan. And I'm talking about more than just making sure our hair doesn't frizz. Most women who date, I would guess, don't have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there's a long stretch during which nobody's asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it's even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time.
But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn't worked at all. I've never had a successful relationship with a guy that I've pursued. I'm sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business. Usually it doesn't even get that far. They usually just don't ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that didn't make me feel very in control of anything.
Since I've been implementing Greg's handy-dandy "he's just not that into you" philosophy, I've been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There's no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic.
THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg
One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, "I don't give out my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they're going to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone number." Which I did - the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey Adams there are in the phone book of a major city? Let's just say I talked to about eight or nine before I found mine.
An actor we work with met a girl while he was making a public appearance on an aircraft carrier. He lost track of her in about ten minutes. And yet, because he was so smitten, he somehow managed to track her down in the army, and they are now married.
GREG, I GET IT! By Leslie, age 29
Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that "Oh my God, I think I just met someone!" feeling. He didn't ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I'm just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He's not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I'm just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE GREG
We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to forty-five), who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One guy even said that if she had, "It would have spoiled all the fun."
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
- An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."
- Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.
- If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
- Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.
- "Hey, let's meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house" is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
- Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
- You are good enough to be asked out.
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| View all 18 comments |
Angela Burton (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
This book guides women to saving time, avoiding heartache, and creating a space for the right man to come into their lives. The overall emphasis is on the fact that women traditionally rationalize men's behavior and spend years of their lives with a man who doesn't really love them totally. It's like having a big brother who takes you step by step into the world of guys. There is no blame, there is no guilt, it’s "just the way it is." This book tells you not to waste your time with men who say the right words, but don't make the right moves. It is the END of mixed messages. Read this book, it will save you YEARS of time spent with the wrong man. It truly is the best wake up call ever. |
Thomas Hooker (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
It certainly doesn't rule them all out. There are the types that are clearly wrong, but you can't put a finger on why. Also, she emphasizes in this and her other book (the Daily manual) that men who are interested will let nothing stop them, etcetera (including in the way of sex). There are two problems with this, it invites into your door those men who seem confident and give off a "nice" exterior but the type that your parents and siblings don't trust, it also keeps away the more shy types that try to pursue as well as they can but have either confidence issues or are getting mixed messages. In fact, two of the most offensive parts in the Daily manual were the statements "you should never call a date." Bringing to my next point, sometimes the thing that is letting stop the guy is YOU. When guys who have been burned this way before run up against this, they at worst back off, or at best try to continue to see you, but they can't get past the friends stage until you start taking initiative and showing some interest that might show up on the radar. Besides, if people keep claiming that women are liberated (I still think they have a bit to go) they have the right to call a date with any man (or other woman) they please.
On the other hand, I gave this book 3 stars and not two or less, as many of the excuses were as she said. She also struck the mark for normal guys under most normal situations. But she missed for shy and/or effeminate guys like me. However, I'd only give a five if she made a version for guys called She's Just Not That into You. Guys are much more insecure about this thing, though they tend to mask it with bravado. |
Dennis Littrell (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
This is a super-slick book-biz hustle aimed at the eternal wallflower at the dance of life. Written by Greg Behrendt (your eternal big brother) and (love's labors always lost) Liz Tuccillo of TV's Sex and the City," "he's just not that into you" is just the sort of book that Miss Lonely Hearts can curl up with on a Saturday night with a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (ah, I wish I could) instead of the usual Harlequin romance. I mean YOU are worth it!
This sort of pandering by Greg and Liz to the unlucky-in-love who find Sex and the City the highlight of their wretched (but ever hopeful) lives is nothing short of Huckster Street smarmy with a purpose - the purpose being to separate YOU (who deserve love and happiness) from your hard-earned money, which is deserved by Greg and Liz because they are just so darn clever and pander so shrewdly to the susceptible reader - which makes me think that before working on Sex and the City they wrote TV commercials for diet foods or hair shampoo, or whatever the commercial is that insists, "YOU are worth it!"
The deeper problem with this book is that the women who "write" the letters to Greg are not real women but ideas of women from Greg's imagination. Sure they were based on people he knows and he probably even quoted a line or two from some of them verbatim, but they are not real people. And their equally fictional men are all very much alike in that they have only a phony sensitivity for women and really only care primarily about their own desires and fulfillment - and note that they, too, are products of Greg's mind. Some men will tell you the truth about how they feel.
A second problem is that his facile answers of what to do (usually, dump the loser) are too simplistic and don't allow for the compromises that characterize all human relationships, especially those that lead to successful marriages. No one is perfect, and people really do need to be forgiven, and they need a chance to grow. Most of the (fictional) women in the book are in their twenties and thirties, a time of real social and emotional growth by both men and women, and so it is not always wise to give up on a relationship. People do get to the point where they are not likely to change much, but usually that takes place later in life. I am not, repeat NOT, excusing some of the behavior of the men described by Greg's "women." There is never any excuse for abuse or neglect. I am only saying that if a guy misses a call or forgets your birthday, yes, he is not Wonderful in All Things, but remember few of us are.
As for Liz Tuccillo, who writes the "Why this is hard" rebuttals to Greg's pronouncements, I think she too needs to understand that love is a two-way street, a case of give and take. She's had trouble holding onto the kind of male she finds attractive. She's 41, still single, still dating, and it could be said, still looking for Mr Goodshaft, whom she finds all the time.
You want to know why? Because she's masochistic? Maybe. Because she's possibly neurotic and married to her work? Maybe. Whatever the reason, she needs to develop a realistic appreciation of actual men, not just those she imagines are alpha males. Maybe she needs to find some short, balding guy that still lives with his mother and make him happy. Maybe she needs to be kind to omega males, and keep searching through the all too depressing heap of omega males until she finds one that isn't half bad. Omega males need love too. And it could be said that "not half bad" is appropriate if you're 41-years-old, never been married and have a "been-dumped" rap sheet as long as the closing credits to a Hollywood epic, and especially if you are the type of person who thinks just because you are successful at work, you are a great catch.
Greg's point seems to be that most guys are jerks and Liz's experience seems to prove it. But what they're missing is the ecology and economics of the old dating game. You get what you're worth. You knew that in high school. Top jock scores with prom queen, NOT unsocial geek who picks his nose in public gets to bed down the head of cheer. (And by the way, these stereotypes are not necessarily the ideals that we should be looking for in mates. The king and queen of the hop in later life sometimes find sadly that they reached their peak in high school.) And if all you are getting are a bunch of losers, guess what? YOU are the loser. And maybe you need to work on upgrading your own personality and make yourself someone who has a lot to offer. Or at least alter your taste in males.
I've got some advice: Give the garage mechanic a bath. Flirt with the nerdy bank clerk. Tell the fry cook he looks cute when the sweat runs down his nose. Take a course at the local junior college in some kind of class that might be filled with MEN, home repairs or electrical wiring or basic construction, not women's issues or dance aerobics for fatties.
Regardless of how good Greg and Liz are with the one-liners (and they are good) you can get better relationship advice elsewhere than in this cutesy, narrowly-conceived book. There's a whole shelf at the library of books written by people with some real experience in human psychology who really do "understand guys."
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Kiffer (MSL quote), USA
<2007-01-08 00:00>
I'm just getting back into the single life after being married for 14 years. Back in my single years, I broke all of the rules and made many excuses for guys I'd date - ended up heartbroken. This book has really opened my eyes. Every time I feel myself slipping back into the old self-destructive mode, I go back and read this book. It gives me strength to know that I'm much better than I've been treated and also the strength not to put up with some of the nonsense out there. Please buy this book, if you want to know how men think and not give them excuses. It WILL make you stronger and smarter! |
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